If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Yep.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.