if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My wife gives the best headache.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.