If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I can’t wait!
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I am never leaving this website
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Beware…..
Sounds like a bargain
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.