If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.