If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?