If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You Might Also Like
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me in tagged photos
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
I hate my earbuds.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.