Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant