@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

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@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

@CourtneyBale

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@_NTFG_

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.