If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.


Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.


screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉


If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.


When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off


In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.


Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother


Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents


I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.