@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

You Might Also Like

@avainwordland

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

@Maxine12333

If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.

@PressOneForNo

When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

@rivalpunks

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

@mela_shea

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

@_ISpeakTrue

Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents

@WheelTod

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.