if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.