if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
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How does one answer this?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
💀💀
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.