if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
2022 will be better than 2021
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
haha same
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.