If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?