Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

*names my little horse OneTrick*

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing