If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Nose
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.