Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This story is comedy gold 😂

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison