Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry