If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?