If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You Might Also Like
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
What fresh Hell is this?!?
