Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

British people be like I’m Bri ish

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

found this cool rock hiking today

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.