if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
what day is it?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
won’t smith
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing