if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport