if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Strangers have the best candy.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
The future is now.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”