Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.