If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.