If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit