Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Friday night party time 🥳

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.