If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Morning all.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours