If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost