If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.