If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.