Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.