Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?