Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time