If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Seductively sings in Klingon.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Storm Tropical Storm
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
every single time
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off