If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
All generalizations are stupid.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.