Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today