Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

ㅤ

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough