If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.