Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

You got this…

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?