If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”