Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Buying a well is money well spent.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.