Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.