If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.