If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.