If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.