If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order