Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee