Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-