If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder


If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.


I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*


Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.


I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.


Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?


Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?


Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.


5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now


[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin