If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist