@Bob_Janke

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

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@drivingmemadi

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@JermHimselfish

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

@andylectablyme

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@simoncholland

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

@Chhapiness

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin