Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

Truth

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.