if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
You Might Also Like
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.