Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Was it something I said?

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.