If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.


This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.


I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.


While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.


once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.

when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face