If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My work here is don’t.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Jail
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.