Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.