If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You Might Also Like
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less