If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
yeah not falling for this one
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Not all heroes wear capes.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)