Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Go hard or stay average

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?