Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

guilty

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens