If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.