If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Bike for sale
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”