@Nobody09049097

if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once

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@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@RedRegenerated

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

@jonnysun

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

@wife3kidsnodogs

Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??

@fanofhell

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@RodLacroix

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.