“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once
You Might Also Like
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Me: what what??
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.