When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower