If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?