If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
According to math, I’m broke
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes