If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.