If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Spider-cat: No One Home
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”