If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*