If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.