Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

This is true.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Clients after you give them your rates

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children