If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore