If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
This poor dog
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge