If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud