If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.