If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.