If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.