If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.