If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤