If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.